I am a happy person. Left to its own devices, my temperament drifts to a sort of pleasant zen. I've thought about this a great deal, because I haven't always been so happy. My thinking and studying gives me a hypothesis that my persistent happiness comes from a few things. First, I have a good life full of friendships and a strong marriage. Second, I find great fulfillment in my faith. Third, my neurochemistry seems to favor happiness. I know this because when my circumstances change in a way I don't like, my mood drifts back to happy if things do back to normal or if I just have to deal with it long enough. I also have loved ones who have the first and second things on this list who don't find happiness comes easily or naturally. Even people of deep, genuine faith can find themselves in the grip of depression–made worse because they don't feel worthy of that hurt.
As I said before, I haven't always been so happy. Far from it. There have been times in my life when I was depressed. There have even been times when I was so sad I wanted to take my own life. I've gone so far as to try. When I was a teenager, I was deciding on a method for suicide when my Mom found my journal and learned of my intentions. That was not a good day. I saw someone about it for a little while and it helped. The darkness lifted.
It came back later, when I was a young adult out own my own. Frankly, I can't remember as much about that time in my life. My friends know that the past is sort of a mist for me to begin with, but here the mist thickens into a fog. If I try to look into it, I just feel cold. That's prosaic language for me, but I can't think of anything better. I can remember standing in my bathroom with a cord around my neck wondering if the space heater would hold me. That was the low point of my life so far. i have never been back.
I got older. My circumstances changed. I learned how to life more in line with my relationship with God. I am happy even when things are tough. Even when I lose someone I care about, there is only sadness. Not darkness.
Why am I writing this today? Because I have a lot of friends, and as I watched today's episode of A Show with Ze Frank, I realized that one of my friends may know the darkness I'm talking about. If you are reading this post and you don't think you can keep on living I have a message for you.
I love you.
I value my relationship with you. I don't want to lose you.
I will talk with you. I will not judge you. I will listen to whatever you want to say.
You can call me anytime. I won't be mad. I will be happy you called me, because that means you know the most important thing of all:
You are not alone.